Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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