how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
this boner is exhausting
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
