Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
