Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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