I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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