I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
