whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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