Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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