there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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