Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
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Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize