Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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