I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
