Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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