Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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