It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
