I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
