I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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