She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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