I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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