Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
