Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
