Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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