i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
