So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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