i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
