Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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