there's paper in my vomit.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
