Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
