I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
