Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
