well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
