just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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