3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
