Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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