Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
