I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
