I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
