I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
