i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
