the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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