You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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