Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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