she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
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