I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
as a side note pls kill me
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
