So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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