I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
