Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
