I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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