im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
