mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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