dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
