At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
