Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
