I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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