Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
