just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
